


March 2005

by gothclark



Series: freak4ever - the Journal of Clark Kent [21]
Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst, M/M, Wordcount: 5.000-10.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-16
Updated: 2013-03-16
Packaged: 2017-12-05 11:53:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/723000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothclark/pseuds/gothclark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clark begins to investigate the cave paintings.<br/>A parasite invades Pete and Chloe, causing havoc in Clark's life.<br/>Clark reveals more of himself to Lex.<br/>Lex finds his half brother, Lucas.<br/>The Kent family has unexpected news.</p>
            </blockquote>





	March 2005

02 March @ 09:52 am

If the paintings really are made by my people, then what do they mean? What does that language mean? I wish I could read it. I wish I could know what it all means. 

The picture of the girl is wrong. I am not in love with a dark-haired girl. I wonder if it means that I really am supposed to end up with her. I don't care because I'm not letting some old paintings rule my life. 

I've been down in the caves every morning and every day after school this week. I want to know what they say. I want to know what I am. Were all my people like me? Why was I sent here? What were my people thinking when they sent me here? 

So many questions and I have no answers to any of them. I wish I could tell Lex about my true origins. Maybe he'd help me find out what it all means. I'm just too afraid to lose him. I couldn't take that right now. If I was totally sure that he'd take it fine... but it's not him. I know it's not him. It's me. I just can't stand to have anybody look at me like I'm a freak, especially not Lex.

I know he knows about my strength and my speed, but that's not the same as knowing that I came from another planet. I'm not ready to deal with that revelation. Maybe Lex is. I trust him with my life and, at this point, I should probably trust him with my secrets, but I get all freaked out when I imagine telling him. 

I'll tell him. Someday. Then I can hope that he won't kick me out and never talk to me again. I had that nightmare again where he calls me to the mansion and tells me that he found out about my true secret and then he hits me with a sword and tells me he'll destroy my life. 

I woke up in a panic. The dream was so real. Just thinking about it makes me ill. 

I need to get to class. I am so late.

 

03 March @ 08:55 am

People used the caves for a party last night! Not only that, but my friends Pete and Chloe went without telling me about it. I just ran into Pete just before school. He was riding his dirt bike on the sidewalk. He's crazy. I have no idea what got into him. I think the sudden death of our friend Travis, must have really gotten to him. He kept talking about how we should all take chances. He even accused me of never taking any chances. He said all this stuff about how I'm really good-looking but I never go after girls.

After he took off, I stopped in at the Talon to talk to Lana about what happened last night. I wasn't at the rave, but Travis fell to his death. I wish I'd been there to do something. Maybe I could have stopped it from happening. People think he was on some kind of drug.

Lana and I are going to see a movie together tomorrow night. We both feel like we've been drifting apart a little so we decided to make more of an effort on our friendship.

I got to school late again. It's really not my fault. I was trying to find Pete. He's not around. I hope he doesn't get into any trouble. I know he's just upset and blowing off some steam so I'll probably try to find him later.

I stopped by the caves before school to see how much damage was done. Lex was there. He told me that he's having a professional cleaning crew clean and that he's got new security that will let only me into the caves from now on. I had to kiss him for that one. He's so awesome. I wanted to stay but I needed to get to class and we didn't want anybody to catch us making out. Maybe later we can do something in the privacy of his bedroom. 

The school called mom and dad and told them I've been getting to school late. They just ordered me to come straight home from school and that I'm not to go to the caves any more. Dad is really angry and mom is disappointed, but they said I could still go to the movies with Lana tomorrow as long as I get all my homework and chores done before I go. 

I have to get to class now before I'm late again.

@ 08:39 pm

Pete just stood in the middle of Main Street in front of a speeding bus. I had to use my speed to save him. Then when I tried to get him to come with me to the hospital, he yelled that I'm an alien! The whole street stared at me. It was so embarrassing. 

What the hell? Why would he do this to me? I'm so freaked out. This is going to be all over town by tomorrow morning. Lex is going to hear about it! 

I think maybe somebody slipped Pete something. This is not good. Chloe said that they think somebody slipped Travis something and two other kids ended up dead after the rave. It might have been some designer drug.

 

04 March @ 08:38 am

Pete has something in him and it's making him act strange. He just showed up in my loft and told me to leave him alone. He called me a freak and used a meteor rock to stop me from going near him. Then he told me he'd show people my ship.

He called me a freak. I feel so sick. I can't believe Pete would do this to me. I have to find him and get that thing out of him. He called me a freak. I know I sometimes use that word to describe myself (it's even in my user name), but it hurt to hear Pete say it.

@ 09:50 am

Chloe and I went down into the caves this morning to see if we could find something and Lex showed up with Dr. Walden. Lex told me that I couldn't go down into the caves anymore. He said that Dr. Walden wants nobody else down there.

And I can't believe Chloe! I just went to the Torch office to ask for her help and she was making out with some guy! She said she didn't even know his name. Then she just brushes it off like she kisses strange guys every day. Is everybody going nuts? 

Then she did this lollipop thing to try to turn me on. She did it on purpose. I just know it. She was practically taunting me. At least I think she was. I mean, she was doing things to it with her mouth and her tongue, and I stared, and I dare anybody not to stare! It was not something Chloe would do, but still, she seemed a little pissed off.

At least she agreed to find Pete and talk to him. He's acting so strange. I need to get my things together for class. I have to help Pete.

@ 07:46 pm

Pete put a red meteor rock in my pocket so I'd play along with him and Chloe. They were both infected with that thing. 

I can't even believe any of this. I just got back from the hospital. Chloe and Pete are both okay and they forgot everything they did while they were infected. Lana is so angry with me.

I have no idea how to make any of this up to anybody. Lex is never going to talk to me and when Chloe finds out what we did while she was infected... if she talks to me, I'll be surprised.

I tried to talk to Lana and tell her that I needed to help Pete. Then Pete showed up and Lana got really upset. Then Pete must have put the red meteor rock in my shirt because the next thing I knew, I was happy to raise hell with Pete and Chloe. We went to my loft and I showed Chloe my speed and she fell and I caught her and then Lex was there and suddenly all the anger I'd held in all morning spilled out. I told Lex never to come near me again. I told him that he's not welcome.

Then I pushed him away from me. Remembering the look of hurt on his face makes me upset. I wish I could be angry with Pete but it's not his fault. The parasite made him do it. That thing in Chloe and him made them act out, and made them crave excitement.

I got caught in the middle of it.

After Pete, Chloe and I left Lex in my loft, we went for a drive then we pulled over and I asked Chloe to suck me off and then told her I would fuck her except I have Lex for that. Pete made this face then congratulated me for sticking it to Luthor. It was so horrible. I watched my two best friends have sex in the back seat of Pete's car. I couldn't feel worse about all of this if I tried. I hate red meteor rocks so much.

How could Pete do this to me!!?! This is such a disaster. It got worse from there.

After that, we drove to the Talon so Chloe and I could make out right there for Lana to watch. She caught us. Lana was furious and I have no way to explain to her why I was kissing her girlfriend in her own coffee shop. On top of that, people saw us. Chloe took my shirt off and the meteor rock must have fallen out, because I snapped out of it and put my jacket back on. I pushed Chloe away and she mocked Lana as soon as Lana arrived. She told Lana that I told her everything about me. Lana ran off crying.

Then Pete knocked me out with a sucker punch and a green meteor rock in his fist. This story is so surreal. How am I going to explain to Lex why I treated him so badly, and how am I going to tell him that I let Chloe suck me off?

After Lana woke me up she told me that Pete and Chloe drove off to jump the gorge. Lana was so angry. I had to run off to catch Pete and Chloe and I made it just as the car flew off the cliff. I caught it and managed to drive them both to the medical center. The doctors removed the parasites from of them. 

When I went to check on Chloe, Lana was there. She is very angry. I don't blame her. From her side it looks like I took advantage of Chloe. I knew Chloe was under the influence of that thing. I was the one who told the doctors what to look for.

It's such a mess. There's only one thing I can do. 

I went to the Torch office and found the school ring. I have the ring and a green meteor rock in the lead box that Lex gave me. I'm going to see Lex. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I don't really have a plan yet, but I have to do something. I have to tell him what happened with Chloe, and hope that he forgives me. The last time I did something with another girl, he said that I could never do that again. 

He has no idea. Nobody does. They all think it's so easy, that I can just fight the effects of the red stone, but I can't. I only want one thing when it's near. I want to give in.

 

05 March @ 03:40 pm

Lex knows. He knows I'm an alien. He knows. I can't get past this one sentence. 

Lex knows I'm an alien. I told him last night. I don't know why. It just felt right. I was sitting there after showing him what the green meteor rocks and the red meteor rocks do to me, and I just couldn't lie any more. I was terrified. I thought my heart would pound out of my chest. 

I did the most stupid thing ever. I went over last night with a green meteor rock and the ring with the red rock in it. I didn't really have a plan. I just figured I'd know what to do once I got there. 

Lex was upstairs in his sitting room, drinking and reading. He let me in and I handed the box to him. I wanted to do it as fast as I could before I turned tail and ran out of there. I told him that I needed him to see what I was trying to say. I decided it wasn't enough to tell him. I had to show him. That was the only way he'd believe me for sure. 

So he took out the green meteor rock and I fell over. It hurt but it was worth it. Lex was kind of angry. Now he knows my weakness so he can use it against me if I ever try to hurt him. He said he never would, but even my parents keep meteor rocks around just in case.

He never really did use the green rock. Even after I put the school ring on and tried to force myself on him. He had the box in his hands the whole time and he could have used it any time he wanted to, but he didn't. He tried to talk me into taking off the ring, but that didn't happen. He said he didn't want to hurt me. 

Eventually, Lex dropped the box, the green meteor rock fell out, and I was weak enough for him to take the ring off. I'm so glad. I never wanted to hurt him. I should have done it another way, but I didn't think. I never think. I was so stupid.

Then I did it. I told Lex that I fell during the meteor shower in a pod. And that was when the question period started. I knew he'd want to know everything. At first I was so scared but then as he asked each question, I started to feel relief. Then I felt joy. He knew and he still touched me and he still kissed me and he still wanted me.

I feel so good right now. I've decided that mom and dad don't need to know what I did. I can't tell dad for sure but maybe I'll tell mom in time. I just need a few days, weeks, months, or maybe years to think about what happened last night.

Lex knows I'm an alien and he still loves me. He's going to protect me. I should have known deep down inside that he'd react this way. 

@ 10:00 pm

I tried to apologize, but I couldn't explain to her why I did the things I did. I couldn't tell her about the red meteor rocks the way I could tell Lex.

She thinks I took advantage of Chloe. I guess from her point of view that's true. I want to make this all better but I have no idea how. Maybe in time she'll forgive me.

I'm not sure how much time Lana and Chloe are going to need before they'll forgive me. It's all over town what Chloe did. I'm just glad that Chloe doesn't remember most of it. I told Pete what he did. He was a little angry that he slept with Chloe. He felt awful mostly because he slipped me that red meteor rock and partly because he doesn't remember. He actually asked me if he enjoyed himself. That was one of the most uncomfortable conversations ever. I told him that since I have a perfect memory and never forget anything I see, at least one of us will always know how much Pete liked what he did. 

I would laugh if I didn't want to cry. I guess Lana is right. If I can't tell her why I did it, then I shouldn't expect her to forgive me.

I went by to see Lex today. It was so weird. Now that he knows, I wondered if he would look at me differently, but he didn't. He treated me the same way he always treats me. He was fencing with his instructor when I got there and I watched them for a few minutes. For a second I was reminded of that day when I walked in and he threw a sword at me and almost hit my head. That seems so long ago. 

We ate a light snack and played a few games of chess. Then he talked about some historical thing that I hardly remember because I was too busy staring into his gorgeous eyes. I had a great time. Everything was like always. I told him about Chloe and Lana but he really didn't have much advice except to give them time. We didn't really talk about IT. He didn't ask me any more questions, which I was so grateful for since I was nervous. He put me at ease and made me feel normal. He's good at making me feel normal and special all at once. 

Now I have a ton of homework and the sky is clear tonight.

 

06 March @ 10:34 pm

I woke up from my nap floating, my back pressed to the ceiling of the loft. Mom was yelling at me to wake up. It was so disorienting. One second I'm having this wonderful dream where Lex pledges his undying love for me. The next second I'm floating, staring at the concrete floor of the barn; the floor of the barn fifteen feet below me.

Seconds later, I crash-landed right in front of my mom.

She freaked out. I know she was trying hard not to freak, but how are you supposed to react when you find your son floating?

I was freaked out. I haven't floated in a long time. I thought for sure it was just a phase. I guess not. 

I was too freaked out over what happened to go out. I stayed home for the rest of the day with mom. She was really cool after. She made me my favorite cookies and I even managed to steal some raw dough.

I wanted to talk to her about Lex, but it felt wrong. I didn't want to spoil the time I had with her.

Later, after dinner, Lex called and we talked. Not once did he ever say anything about me being an alien. I keep expecting him to start up with more questions. I guess he's going to give us some time to get used to the idea that things are different between us. At least he doesn't ask me to do tricks. Sometimes, when Pete does that, it can be annoying. I haven't really told Lex about the heat vision or the x-ray vision. I wonder when would be a good time to bring those up.

 

07 March @ 09:23 pm

School was so much fun. Not. I stayed out of Lana and Chloe's way. Chloe only talked to me long enough to tell me that she doesn't have anything for me to do for the Torch. Lana didn't smile back at me in the hall. I guess I deserve it. If I could tell her why I did those things... but I can't. 

At least Pete is still talking to me. I still can't believe some of the things that Chloe did when she was under the influence of that thing. The boy's locker room is full of talk about how cute Chloe looks naked.

 

08 March @ 10:31 pm

Suddenly I feel really freaked about all this. 

I went by the mansion to see Lex tonight and we didn't really talk. We just hung out on his bed and made out. I wasn't sure what to talk about. Now that he knows my secret, it's harder and easier. I don't have to make up lies for why I do the things I do, but now I feel like we're starting off new. I wonder what he thinks when I tell him that I float. I wonder how he'll react the next time he sees me do something freaky. I don't want to do freaky things in front of him. It makes me feel exposed and like if he really sees it, then the truth will hit him and he'll leave me.

LEX KNOWS!!!

I told him that I touched my alarm clock and it smashed under my fingers and he was all 'ho-hum that's nice. I do that sometimes too, only probably not as damaging.'

HE KNOWS!!

Of course it's not as damaging. He only knows the half of it. 

I fixed the floor in the loft in a half hour and the new alarm clock is all set beside my bed. It's all ready to die a horrible death the next time it goes off and I'm only half aware of what's going on. 

There's this part of me that regrets telling Lex. What if it's a huge mistake? What if he loses interest in me now? What if, when he sees me shoot fire out of my eyes, he runs screaming for the nearest fire extinguisher? So many what ifs? I go nuts just thinking about all the things that could go wrong or the things I could say that would be just too much for him to take.

There's still so much I have to tell him. I still have to tell him that I might not stop here. He knows that I get faster every year and that I get stronger every year. Last year when he shot me, the bullets left bruises. I should probably tell him about that. I wonder what I should and shouldn't say. Maybe it's better to just move forward and hope. I have hope. I know I have that much. I can hope that he doesn't freak when he sees just how different I really am. 

He's seen my body and that's the same as any other human's body, so maybe I can just not freak out so much over all of this. It's so easy to type but not so easy to do. I panic whenever I know I'm going to see him. I wonder how much longer this seeming period of calm can last. I want to be just Clark. I don't want him to see a thing. I want him to see Clark, the same person I was last week before I told him I was an alien. 

But then there's another part of me that is so excited, I can't wait to show him all of me. I keep forgetting that I can be myself around him. I was still careful when we made out. I kept telling myself not to touch his bed because I've already broken two of them.

If I can be me, why is it so hard? Why am I so scared?

 

09 March @ 09:18 pm

Pete apologized to Chloe for things I told him about that he can't even remember doing. So now Chloe knows what happened in the car and I can't give her an explanation for any of my actions. I should have just lied, made something up. I mean with all of them. Instead I just froze when Lana asked for an explanation. Now everybody thinks I did those things of my own free will. I should never have told Pete what happened, but I felt like he should know, especially since Chloe is one of his best friends. 

Lana still won't talk to me. Somebody took pictures of Chloe on the day she ran through the boy's changing room naked and made flyers and posted them around the school. I took down every one that I found. Pete helped. I totally freaked on him. I probably shouldn't have told him about the car. He feels bad but I guess I understand why he wanted to apologize to Chloe. Still, I wish he hadn't said anything.

I know, in time they will forgive me. It just sucks. I just want it to be over. I should hide until it's all over, or better, just stay out of their way.

 

11 March @ 09:59 am

Now that Lex know why I can sneak into the mansion so easily, I can rush over to see Lex anytime and he won't ask questions. 

Last night was so nice. Lex looked hot. He always looks hot. How does he do that? It was nice to see him smile so much. I don't think I've seen him smile like that in a while. I think I've said nice one too many times.

Lana still isn't talking to me. I had to take more of those pictures of Chloe down yesterday. Chloe and I had a huge fight and she accused me of being the one who took the pictures of her and making copies. She was really upset. I tracked down the person who's pulling this prank. Before I turned him in to the principal, I made him give me all the copies of the pictures and threatened him if I found out he didn't give them all to me. Then I destroyed them all with my heat vision. I even gave Chloe the camera that he used. She kept it. 

At least now she's talking to me again. She forgave me. She always forgives me no matter what crazy thing I do. I'm really lucky to have her as a friend. 

So maybe I would use my abilities just a little in a bad way, but only to defend my friends. I hated seeing Chloe so upset. I had to help her her.

 

13 March @ 04:41 pm

Yesterday was fun. I got to drive Lex's new Porsche. Those things are a little cramped for my taste and they don't go as fast as I can run, but it was still great to see Lex happy. He looks happy a lot lately. I guess things are going to be okay for us.

Yesterday afternoon we met at the Talon for a coffee and to chat. Lex encouraged me to talk to Lana, but she asked for something I couldn't give her. I know Lex is right and that I just need to give her some time. Chloe forgave me so it's only a matter of time before Lana forgives me as well. 

After the talk Lex and I had the other day, where I basically told him everything I can do, I was afraid he'd say he couldn't deal, but instead he came by that night and we sat and talked about everything but my heritage. His kisses were sweet and gentle. I can't even tell him in words how much he means to me. I think maybe he wouldn't believe me. 

I couldn't imagine telling anybody else these things. I was so terrified. When I looked down into Lana's eyes and she said all I had to do was explain what happened, I felt this pang. I really wish it were that easy.

It's really nice out and I went for a run earlier. I love to just run flat out and become nothing but a blur that the rest of the world can't see. It's an amazing feeling. I wish I could describe it to Lex. 

 

14 March @ 10:05 pm

Early this morning I stopped by the Talon to talk to Lana again. I know I shouldn't have, but it's really bothering me how things are between us. She still won't really speak to me and she always sounds mad when we have a conversation, so I thought I would apply for the job she just posted. It was a spur of the moment thing. I thought maybe if I was around more she'd forgive me faster. 

I saw the sign in the front window and when I told her I wanted the job, at first she said no but then she said she'd put my application in with the others. She'll probably hire someone else, but at least I know I tried. It's really the only way I can try to make what happened with Chloe up to her.

Then this afternoon while Pete and I were playing some basketball, Lex stopped by with his brother, Lucas. I was a little shocked since Lex had told me that his father had said his brother died when he was young. Only his brother didn't die. His father hid him all these years. Mrs. Dunleavy was his mother. Lucas is a jerk. I already don't like him and I think the feeling is mutual. We played a friendly game of basketball and I showed off a little. I admit that he ticked me off with his attitude. He was all 'if you were raised by Mr. Big, and Lex was raised by your parents you'd be all miserable.' Jerk! 

Lex is not miserable. He's just fine. Lucas just doesn't know him at all. 

The part that made me almost laugh was when Pete said that Lex and I are like brothers. Lucas noticed that Lex and I seem close. I guess he might be a little jealous. Not that I care. He's a big jerk. 

Anyway, the game got a little rough when he tried to knock me down. Then he left with Pete. I guess Lucas had to get to the mansion so he could stab Lex in the back. Triple jerk. 

So I was right about him. He was a jerk. Mr. Big and Lucas left Lex penniless and kicked him out of the mansion and now he's living with us. He's right here beside me. He just smiled at me. He looks a little down. I guess I don't blame him. He finds his half brother only to have this happen to him.

I think he needs a kiss. 

That feels so much better. Lex is going to stay in our guest room but I plan on staying here with him as long as I can get away with it. Mom and dad are probably going to bed soon and I told mom that I was going to spend some time with Lex since Lex is feeling so down over what his new brother just did to him.

I think I'm going to punch Lucas in the face when I see him.

 

15 March @ 09:43 pm

Early this morning I went downstairs to find that my dad had put Lex to work. He said Lex wanted to do his share of the work. To my dad that meant my share, dad's share... so when I went out to find Lex in our barn, mucking out the stalls, I was a little surprised because he looked so content. He refused to let me help him so I sat and watched as he told me stories about his times on a ranch in Montana. It was the height of my day seeing him this way. He was himself. He didn't have to pretend or try to impress.

I think if dad had his way, we'd keep Lex as a farm hand. I wonder if he'd take the low wage. Actually, it would be no wage. All he'd get is my mom's home cooked meals and a roof over his head. 

I have to admit. Lex looked totally hot mucking out stalls. It was odd to say the least. 

I got the job at the Talon. Lana decided to give me a chance and as soon as she hired me, guess who walks in the door. Lucas. He tried to take over. Unfortunately for him, Lex made sure that Lana would never lose the Talon, so Lucas couldn't do anything except blow smoke. I have never met anybody so arrogant. He's so full of himself.

I guess I really don't like him. Usually I like most people, but Lucas just came into town and took over Lex's life. It totally infuriates me. I know he's had a hard life, but does that give him the right to act like such a jerk?

He was hitting on Lana, and I wanted to laugh in his face. She was not taking the bait although I have to say, I found it really amusing to watch her shoot him down. The look on his face was worth it, even if he glared at me and yelled at me to get back to work. Lana took him on with no problems. She's so cool. 

At least today she actually smiled at me and didn't laugh when I put on the apron. After my shift was over, I took some coffee over to Chloe. She was working at the Torch as usual and helped me find out some information about Lucas. When I gave it to Lex, he was really upset and stormed out of the house. After he came back, he went up to his room. I hope he's okay. I'm going to go talk to him for sure.

I'm kind of tired of my dad telling me that I can't trust Lex. I trust Lex with my life, and I told dad that today. He didn't hear me. It's like he thinks I'm too naive or dumb to make my own choices. I know that I took a huge chance and I think it's the best choice I've ever made concerning a close friend. I just wish my dad could see how good Lex is for me. He's made me open my eyes to so many new things. I never would have gotten as far as I have without him.

I know that no matter what my father thinks, Lex and I were meant to be.

 

16 March @ 02:07 pm

I know I shouldn't have gone into Lex's room last night, but I was worried about him. He looked so down when he came back from seeing his brother. He didn't want to talk about it, so instead I stayed for a while just in case he changed his mind. He never did get a chance to talk because I was so horny. Once he touched me, I was hard before we kissed and I couldn't stop myself. 

He jerked me off and it felt so amazing. It was fast and hard and his hand on my cock felt so good. He felt so incredible. Even if he just looked at me, I think I'd be satisfied. Lucky for me, he didn't just look. He touched. I think we both needed it. I know I did. His lips on my nipples drove me insane. It was so hard not to cry out, but I bit my tongue to make sure I didn't make a sound.

After I came all over his hand, I slid under the covers and sucked him off. At first I was terrified we'd get caught, but once my mouth was around his cock, I couldn't think of anything else. I love to suck him. He smelled musky and earthy with a hint of apple, different than usual. He probably used my apple-scented soap when he took a shower.

When he said he wished he could have me in his bed every night, I can't even describe how I felt. I didn't want to leave, but I had to and when I went down to get a glass of milk, dad was up. He knew I'd been in Lex's room and I thought for sure he was going to give me a hard time, but he didn't. He was actually concerned for Lex. I tried to explain to dad how much Lex means to me. I know he doesn't get it, but I think he's trying. 

This morning, once Lex was out in the field doing more of those chores dad has him doing, I thanked dad for letting Lex stay. He smiled and said that it was actually nice having him around and that he was really impressed at how Lex never once complained about a single one of the chores he was asked to do. I've never been so happy to hear something. I think my dad has finally seen at least a little of what it is I love so much about Lex. I heard him call Lex son! 

I've never been so happy. I kind of feel a little bad that Lex's misfortune makes me feel so good.

I have a second shift at the Talon today. Hopefully it should go okay. I want to go home first and check on Lex. I hope dad doesn't overwork him.

 

17 March @ 11:29 am

It's not like that guy was aiming for me, and it's not like I had to jump in front of those bullets, but no matter how annoying I find Lucas, I did it for Lex's sake. I keep hoping that Lucas will change his mind and that things between him and Lex will work out.

I was late for my second shift at the Talon. As soon as I walked in, Lucas ordered Lana to fire me. Lana stood her ground, but then he threatened to close down the Talon then left. I chased after him to tell him I would quit, and not to take the fact that he doesn't like me out on Lana.

Just as I ran out into the back alley, somebody on a motorcycle showed up and started shooting at Lucas. I wasn't surprised that he'd made enemies. He seems like the type. 

There was nothing I could do. I had to act fast. That person came out of nowhere, and if I hadn't done something, Lucas would have been dead. I pushed him out of the way. Lucas was so stunned that I would risk my life for him. He stared at me for ten minutes without saying a word. I could practically see his brain trying to figure out how I had done it. 

I'm just glad I was there to save him. Two of the bullets hit my back, and three of them bounced off my hands. Not even a bruise on me this time. I must be getting tougher. 

Lucas thanked me and went back into the Talon to call the police because I had knocked that shooter out. He also told me he was going to tell Lana that he wasn't going to shut her down. I thanked him for changing his mind. He seemed pretty shaken up, but then somebody had just tried to kill him.

I had to leave right away because there was no way to hide the bullet holes in my clothing. Once Lucas went back inside, I ran back to the house and sneaked past mom and dad so I could change before they saw me. I didn't want to worry them more. Lex caught me. He came in just as I was changing my shirt. He kind of freaked and the look on his face when I told him what had happened was one I'd never seen before. He was really worried about me even though he knows I wasn't hurt. It was nice to have him fuss over me. He made me tell him every detail. I have to admit, that was kind of nice to have somebody who cares so much want to know all of it. 

It didn't hurt that he touched me a lot as he examined my hands and my body. It made me shiver to have his eyes on me that way. His caresses made me hard. I wish dad could see just how much Lex cares about me. I wish everybody could. 

After last night, I'm never going to doubt Lex.

 

18 March @ 11:43 am

Lex is back at the mansion. He's not living here anymore, and that made me feel lonely last night for some reason. I miss him already. He even got his company back and sent Lucas somewhere away from their father. It's hard for me to wrap my mind around that those two are related at all. They have a real father in their lives and I've never even met mine.

I wish Lex had been honest with me. Then maybe I wouldn't have run all the way to the city to discover that Lex and Lucas were in on it together. They tricked their father. It was surreal to watch Lex, duct-taped to a chair playing a dangerous game with Lionel and Lucas. I still can't believe that Lionel shot at Lucas. The gun had blanks in it, but that doesn't change the fact that he shot at him and called him a crazy person. 

It's such a mess. I have no idea how Lex does it. If my family was that insane ... I just don't know how he does it. I guess being a Luthor is just something you have to do for a long time or something.

Lex stopped by last night to pick up the rest of his things. He said he sent his brother away and that he's going to try to build a relationship with him. I hope it works out, and I hope Lucas realizes that he picked the right team when he picked Lex. I didn't tell him that I followed him to the city. There was no point. It all worked out in the end. 

This has been such an insane week. My life is never normal and I should probably just face up to it. 

I had another flying dream last night. I wasn't floating when I woke up, but this time I dreamt I flew over the fields. It was peaceful. I just wish all my dreams were peaceful. 

I was fired from the Talon job. Lana said she accepted the fact that I'm the way I am. I think she meant unreliable. I can't help it. I have to help people, especially Lex. I would drop everything to help him. 

Now I'm looking forward to a quiet weekend where all I have to worry about are the chores. With Lucas gone and out of our lives, I feel like things can calm down again. I still kind of wish Lex was still living with us. It felt safe having him near me. I felt safe.

 

22 March @ 10:36 am

This morning was just fine, even if Dad wouldn't let me help him with the kitchen sink. We were in the kitchen when mom came back from the storm cellar. She was out there getting some preserves. She seemed fine, then suddenly she started to cough and she fell. Luckily I caught her because she'd dropped a glass jug just before and would have fallen on the pieces. She stopped breathing.

We rushed her to the hospital and she's stable now. They can't figure out what's wrong with her.

Dad sent me home and asked me to finish up all the tasks mom was working on for the charity event she's been planning all weekend. I know it's what mom would want, but I really wish I could be with her right now.

I'm feeling so panicked right now. I've never seen mom so sick and it's terrifying me. I only came home because dad asked me to. I looked at the long list of things mom was going to do today. She works so hard. I never thought about how hard my mom works to make things run smoothly. She's so organized.

I remember this one time when I was five and I was playing in the kitchen. She was sitting at the table. I climbed onto her lap to ask her what she was doing. She told me that she was making a list of the things that she needed to do that day. I remember asking her if I should make a list and she smiled and said sure. So she gave me a piece of paper and a pencil even though I couldn't really write at the time. I scribbled some pretend writing and told her what it said. I think it was something about play then give mom a kiss. Mom was so cool. When I asked her to tell me what her list said, she read the whole list to me and pointed to every word. Even though she had so much to do, she sat there with me for an hour, explaining everything on the list.

I know my mom is going to be just fine. She's a fighter. Now I have to get to work and finish this list of what needs to get done before the event.

07:21 pm

The ship is at Pete's, and those guys are gone, and I feel really sick. I told Dad I'm fine, but I don't think I am. I feel nauseous and I threw up a few minutes ago. I've never done that before and it's totally gross. 

Those people have the key to my ship. The key was down in the storm cellar. My key. It's mine. I should have it, not somebody else. I want it back.

I'm sure I can get Lex to help me get it back. I don't think dad would like it if I did that, since I haven't told mom and dad that I told Lex. I should probably do that soon.

Lex stopped by to see me earlier. It was so nice to have him so close. He always makes me feel like I can face anything. 

I almost killed Pete when we were moving the ship. I ran off the road. I think I passed out for a second. 

Dad went to talk to mom about why she hid the key. I don't know why she would do that. It's my key. It could tell me all about my heritage. 

Something in the storm cellar made mom and me sick. 

I want Lex.

@ 11:05 pm

I'm at home alone. Dad is with mom and he left me alone. I feel bad. I feel weird. I've never been sick before. This totally sucks. Okay, maybe I have been sick but not for a day. I was only sick for short times and then it was over fast. But this is really sick. I think I totally terrified Lana. 

She was here a minute ago. I wonder what happened to her.

Lex, did I tell you today that I love you?

Do you know how much I love you? I love you way more than other people love other people. 

I do. I swear I do. Where are you? My phone is gone. I think Dad took it away from me.

I miss you. I'm sick. I think I

 

23 March @ 09:15 pm

Dad was right. The ship healed mom and me. I just got back from the hospital. I had to bring the ship home. Dad took the key and I took the ship. Dad said he's going to put the key in a safe place and we can talk about everything when mom comes home for the hospital tomorrow.

She's going to have a baby. It's going to be their real baby, not some alien they found in a field. 

I need to tell Lex that I'm okay. I think I said some things to him when I was delirious. He must think I'm insane. I'm pretty sure I said something to him about my ship and the key. I feel like an idiot.

It would have been so much simpler just to call, but I distinctly remember thinking that I didn't have a phone to call him on, or that my dad would freak if he heard me call Lex. I think Lana stopped by to see me, or maybe it was Chloe. I can't remember much. I was so delirious. I do remember having my head in Lex's lap. I remembered I kept thinking that he made a nice pillow. I might have told him that or maybe not. I can't be sure. I begged him to stay with me and not leave no matter what. I distinctly remember there was begging, and a lot of hugging, or maybe holding, or both. 

I still can't believe my dad talked Lex into leaving. Lex was so upset. I know he wanted to do more, but he knew that there wasn't any way we could call a doctor. Except dad did call a doctor and now she has a sample of my blood. This is so bad. I know Lex went out with Dr. Bryce that one time, but I wonder if he knows her well enough to know if she's somebody we can trust. I'll have to tell Lex about this. There's no way she can keep my blood. 

Mom died tonight and if it wasn't for the ship, she'd be dead and so would her baby. 

We're just lucky dad was right. I love my parents so much.

The ship is back in the storm cellar, and now I have to call Lex.

 

24 March @ 11:33 am

I called Lex over last night. I wanted to reassure him that I was fine. He wanted to know how mom and I were healed. I wanted to forget everything and put it all behind me, but that's never going to happen in my lifetime.

I showed Lex the ship. The cold hard reality that I'm not human hits me every time I look at it. I feel weird about it now. Last night I was terrified that if he saw hard evidence of my heritage, he'd walk away for sure. I don't know why I thought that. Now, at this point, I think nothing could make Lex walk away from me. At first I wasn't going to show it to him, but then I realized he'd find out about it eventually. It feels inevitable. Everything feels inevitable at this point, and I need to come to terms with that.

Maybe dad was right. I feel like it's all spinning out of control. I need to back away from all this.

Lex asked if I want to know how the ship healed us. I don't really want to know that. All it's ever done is open up more questions. I'm glad dad kept the key. I don't want it. I don't want any of it. I just want to be me, Clark Kent.

But I know that's never going to happen. 

I had the dream again last night. I dreamt I was flying to the caves. 

Mom's going to have a baby, and once they have their own child, I'll be the adopted one. Not that I'm not the adopted one now, but how are they going to be able to look at their child without thinking that? I'm positive that the ship healed mom. Not specifically so she could get pregnant, but it healed her. The ship has saved me, and healed mom and me. I think it's programmed to protect me.

I feel alone right now. I know I shouldn't. I have my mom and dad and I have Lex. I know they're all here to stay. Lex said he could handle all this. I hope he's not lying to me. I really do. I couldn't stand it if something happened that made him finally snap and decide it's too much.

The way he looked at my ship. It was kind of creepy. I got goose bumps watching him. I really hope he can handle it enough for the both of us, because right now I'm totally freaked out.

I need to get back to class. I can't wait to see mom. We're going to see an ultrasound today. This is so exciting. I wonder if it's a boy or a girl. I'd like to have a little brother or sister -- somebody I can impart all my worldly wisdom on. I can't wait.

@ 11:13 pm

I feel so lucky. I have the best parents. I went to visit mom in the hospital. Everything is perfect. It's as though she was never sick, and when my parents told Dr. Bryce that it was a miracle, I felt like it really was a miracle. Everything turned out fine because my dad knew what to do. It feels like my dad always knows what to do. 

We saw the ultrasound. It was amazing. My mom has this life growing inside her, a life that she and my dad made together. I'm going to be a big brother. I wonder how we'll break the big family secret to him or her.

I still haven't told Lex about the blood sample Dr. Bryce took from me. I'm not sure what to do. She must know that it's not normal. Maybe if we don't say anything, she'll just let it go. Dad did say she said she'd keep it completely confidential.

I went to classes today, but I can't really remember anything the teachers said. I can't stop thinking about what's happened over the last few days. Lex knows everything and he still likes me. 

I feel so lucky. I just talked to dad and he's right. It's best for him to put the key someplace safe where I can't find it. I feel so much better after talking to him. He looked so happy when I told him that I couldn't wait to teach my baby brother or sister how to throw as far as I can throw. 

Everything feels so perfect now.

 

25 March @ 12:27 pm

It's so nice to have mom back. I was really afraid for a while, but everything is fine. She's strong and healthy. The doctors said she made a full recovery. It's a miracle.

We started Spring Break. Pete is a little excited since he and his older brother are going to Florida. He asked me to go, but when I asked Dad, he said he needed me close by. I don't really want to leave so soon after mom was sick. 

Pete pointed out that the opportunities for scoring were very high. The look on his face when I told him I wasn't interested in scoring was priceless. He mumbled something about how I have no idea how to have fun. I plan to have a lot of fun, as long as Lex is up for doing something here in town. It's not the most exciting plan, but it's what I want to do. 

Now I have a ton of work to do. We still have to get things ready for the concert tomorrow night. I hope I win something from the raffle.

 

26 March @ 09:59 pm

Everything turned out really great and the band they got was cool. Pete played DJ. I didn't win anything at the raffle, but it was still fun. I saw Chloe and Lana slip upstairs at one point, so I guess they went off for some alone time. Shortly after I got home, Lex showed up. He's going away for a few days on business so he wanted to talk. It was really nice. The sky is so clear tonight and the moon is out. I love moonlit nights, though the stargazing isn't as great, it's still beautiful. 

My dad caught us holding hands. I was staring into Lex's eyes and thinking how nice it would be to kiss him just as we heard my dad clear his throat. Lex stood up and dad told him that he needed to get home. It was a mix of humiliating and embarrassing. If Dad had shown up just a few seconds later... I don't even want to think about what would have happened. 

After Lex left, Dad got really nervous and told me that my loft was not the place for that kind of behavior. He made sure to stress that if I were with a girl, the rules would still be the same. It was kind of funny to watch him search for the right way to say it.

For now, I'm going to check out the moon and the stars. It would be so cool if one day we could all go to the moon. I keep looking up at it and thinking that I'd love to fly to the moon and back. I'm terrified of heights, so that might not be such a great idea after all.

 

29 March @ 12:28 pm

I've been having the same dream every night. I dream I'm flying over Smallville, and I end up at the caves. In the dream I have the key to my ship with me. I put it in the wall and then there's a blinding light. After that I always wake up.

I went to the caves last night and the night before. I think I'm supposed to put the key in the indentation. 

I spent the last few days doing all kinds of cleanup jobs. I don't know how we end up with so much junk everywhere. I just finished feeding the cows and later I have to fix a beam that I broke. Everybody else is away. Lex and Lana both left yesterday, and Chloe isn't around. I might go to the Talon Spring break party. 

Dad hasn't said anything else about catching Lex and me holding hands. I'll have to reserve those intimate moments to the times I'm over at the mansion. I don't want my dad to see anything. It's already hard enough, and he's finally starting to come around to liking Lex more.

I went to the next county yesterday to get some supplies for Dad. The drive gave me time to figure things out, like those dreams I've been having. I need to know what it all means. The caves, the dreams, I need to know why I'm here.

 

30 March @ 10:26 am

I wish these dreams would stop or at least reveal what they're trying to say to me. I keep having the exact same dream. It's frustrating. I'm beginning to think that I made a mistake. I have to find out about my heritage. I really want to know why I'm here. Why did my parents send me away? What made them throw me away like that? 

I stared at the ship for hours last night. I went down to the caves and begged them to reveal their secrets to me. 

I want somebody to be able to tell me who and what I am. I need to know where I'm from. It's not enough anymore. 

I love my parents, but I know they're scared. I know they wish I'd stop looking. Mom hid the key from me because she was afraid I would take off. When dad told me about that, I reassured him that I would never leave them. I look at my mom and see this incredible woman who's fought so hard for her family. I look at my dad and see the strongest man I know.

I don't want my parents to hurt because of me. I know it's too late for that. I know I've already caused them so much heartache and pain. I know that having me has probably stressed their lives out more than they can say. I know this because sometimes, when they don't know I'm listening, mom cries in dad's arms. 

I can't make things harder for them. I just can't. I won't. I love them and they have never given me anything but unconditional love. Even when I would break things we couldn't afford to fix, they never gave up on me. 

Now that mom is pregnant with their child, it's even more important for me to be the son they really need: the human son.


End file.
